Title: Happily Wishing on True Love's Kiss or Something
Characters: Cinema Snob, Spoony, Linkara, Harvey Finevoice, Nostalgia Chick, Nella, Maven of the Eventide, Paw, Margaret
Summary: The day of his 18th birthday, Princess Spoony flees the celebration, and the princes hoping to woo him, and curses the world for having caused him so much suffering. After crossing paths with an eccentric seafaring crew, which includes one Prince Linkara, Spoony starts to learn that there's much more to the world than he ever could have imagined. A Disney-style tale of adventure, betrayal, and love.
Genre: Adventure, Romance, Comedy, Tragedy
Warnings: Language, Blood, Character Death, Angst, Attempted Murder
Word Count: 17,619
For an hour at least Spoony hid behind a stack of crates, crying silently and thinking about whether or not Linkara hated him. He assumed that the answer to that question was yes, and tried to convince himself that it would be easier to be apart if they both hated each other. But try as he might, there was not a thing Spoony could find to hate about the prince. He sighed and tugged angrily on his hair until he started shivering.
“Shit, how long have I been out here?” Spoony gazed up into the night sky and tried to gauge the time from the position of the moon, before sighing once again. “I better get back to my cabin before I catch a fucking cold.”
He was about to stand up when a pair of voices from a few feet away caught his attention.
“You can’t possibly be serious, Maven.”
“I just feel positively dreadful, Chick. The captain was such a good man.”
“Are you in a hurry to be arrested or something?”
“Of course not!”
“Then you’ll keep your lips shut, or I will personally shut them for you.”
“Good. Now stop worrying. We will be home before you know it, and you will be handsomely rewarded, so try and focus your pea-brain on the money you’re about to receive, okay?”
They departed a moment later, leaving Spoony to ponder their words with a frown. “What the fuck was that about?” He stood up, stretching his stiff legs a little, before he hurried after the women.
Maven soon excused herself for the evening and disappeared into her cabin while Chick strolled merrily down the hall for a while before she stopped and hugged Linkara’s spell book close to her chest.
“It’s mine, at last it’s all mine!” she cackled, twirling around like an excited child. From his hidden position around the corner, Spoony watched her and felt a strong surge of irritation.
“That book is not fucking yours,” he hissed. “Even if he wants to be alone, Linkara should have never given that up.”
“Oh, Madam Chick!” Chick stopped twirling and regained her more dignified appearance as Nella bounded over to her. “I wanted to let you know that your tea and biscuits are ready!”
“Yes, splendid,” Chick replied with a nod. “There’s no more enjoyable midnight snack. Come, Nella, and join me. I’m in a festive mood tonight.”
Chick quickly popped into her room and left the spell book on her bed, before hurrying off after the excitable chef. Once she was gone, Spoony crept up to her door and peered around just to be certain before heading inside.
Simply stepping inside Madam Chick’s room caused a shiver to run down Spoony’s spine. He had never been particularly close to the woman, since she projected an aura of icy aloofness, and her room seemed to amplify these feelings. Dark tapestries and candles with black flames littered the room, while the bed was covered in the pelts of various animals. Spoony didn’t feel safe even though the room was empty and determined to vacate the area as quickly as possible.
He approached the bed and picked up the book, running his fingers tenderly over the leather cover. “Even if Linkara won’t listen to reason about staying, he shouldn’t leave this behind. I know I can convince him to take this when he leaves.”
Spoony was about to exit then, since getting caught by Chick in her room was a fear he never wanted to become reality, when something else drew his attention. On the table beside Chick’s bed lay two pieces of parchment bearing maps of Awesome Island. Spoony winced at the bad memories the island evoked before his brows knit together.
While the maps seemed identical in most regards, there was one glaring difference between them. The map on the left showed a straightforward path leading from the beach to the center cavern of the cave, the destination for Linkara’s journey, while the somewhat more crumpled map on the right displayed a more twisted path leading into the depth of the forest, the heart of the bog, winding its way through the caves before ending far to the right, where another cavern was located.
“What the hell? This looks like the fucking path we all traveled that day. Why the hell did we go this way when we could have gone straight and avoided most of that bullshit? Although this path doesn’t even end up in the right cavern,” Spoony murmured before he spotted a few red stains along the edge of the parchment. “Wait, no, those can’t be…” He quickly lifted the map and sniffed it, wrinkling his nose when it was flooded with a coppery sensation. “It is blood. Why would there be blood on a map…?”
Spoony trailed off as he thought back to that day. He and Linkara had charged eagerly ahead, leaving the captain behind with Chick and Maven. Maven had plotted out a map that would lead them to the cavern, but they’d somehow gotten lost and ended up in that horrible room instead. But that had all been an accident… hadn’t it?
Spoony bit his lip and looked back up before he spotted something that caused his heart to start beating quicker. Across the room, lying on a velvet pillow, lay Chick’s wand.
“I thought… she said it was destroyed.” Spoony hurried to the wand and lifted it, examining it between his fingers. “How the fuck did she get this back in perfect condition? Unless she lied about what happened…” Spoony’s heart raced in his chest. “Oh shit. I have to show this to Linkara now!” He gathered the wand, maps, and book in his arms and raced out of Chick’s room, but only managed to take a few steps before he walked directly into the elven woman.
“Well now,” she said coldly, her gaze flickering over the objects in Spoony’s arms. “That’s quite a collection you’ve got there. I didn’t realize our guest of honor was a common thief unworthy of our trust.”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve accusing me!” Spoony snapped, his anger once again getting the better of him. “You’re the one who’s been pulling some shit here and when Linkara sees all of this, he’ll know that you’re the one who’s not to be trusted!”
Chick sighed. “I knew you were nothing but trouble. Fortunately I also know that you’re not anywhere close to being powerful or smart enough to stop me.”
Spoony turned and tried to run, but Chick chanted a few elvish words and suddenly the princess found himself completely bound and gagged. He toppled over onto the ground, moaning and fidgeting in a desperate bid to escape that only made Chick laugh.
“Since you’ve amused me, I promise not to make your death painful.” Another whispered spell caused Spoony and the items he’d once been carrying to levitate in the air. They followed along after Chick as she made her way to one of the lifeboats positioned on the side of the ship.
Spoony screamed with all his might as he was first lowered into the small boat, and then lowered into the water, but the gag around his mouth was tied to tightly to displace. He grunted once the rowboat hit the waves before peering down into the dark water fearfully. He was a decent swimmer, but if he fell overboard when he arms and legs were bound, he was sure to drown.
“I must say, it has truly been a pleasure getting to know you, young princess,” Chick called out as Spoony started drifting away from the ship. “I’m certain that every member of the crew will be saddened to learn that you stole a boat and vanished into the night without even a word of farewell. Young Linkara will be especially devastated, since I’m certain he was hoping to see you one last time before he vanishes from the public eye.”
“Mmmmm!” Spoony screamed, sending Chick the best death glare he could muster.
“Mm, yes, perhaps young Linkara will even try to search for you so that he might bid you a proper adieu tomorrow,” Chick continued, unable to resist twisting the knife even further. “It’s very unfortunate that by the time he finds you, you’ll have become a meal for a hungry shark, or squid, or sea serpent. Whatever it might be, I’m certain it will find you very tasty.”
Chick threw back her head and laughed manically. If she’d only been paying less attention to tormenting Spoony and more to her surroundings, she would have noticed a very confused Linkara approaching her from behind.
“Uh, Madam Chick? Are you okay?”
“Ah! Young prince! I mean, young Linkara! You startled me!”
“Mmmm!” Hearing Linkara’s voice produced a spark in Spoony and he started chomping on his gag until at last he managed to force it away from his face. “Linkara! Help!”
“Spoony?” Linkara squinted out into the dark night in confusion. “Are you out in a rowboat?”
“Yes, it seems that the princess has decided to depart from our ship,” Chick replied.
“Don’t believe that lying bitch! She tied me up and threw me out here!”
“What?” Linkara turned to Chick, even more confused than before. “I don’t understand what’s going on here.”
“She’s been lying to you all along!” Spoony cried, so loudly that his voice was starting to hurt, but he wouldn’t stop until Linkara knew the truth. “She and Maven did something when we were on Awesome Island!”
“Young Linkara, I think it would be best if we went back to our rooms,” Chick said, her voice calm and soothing though her eyes were starting to flicker with anger. “The young princess seems determined to torment you even as he abandons us, so why give him the satisfaction of listening?”
“HER WAND, LINKARA! LOOK AT HER WAND!”
Chick snarled and held her wand up high. “I’ve had enough of you!”
Before she could unleash whatever spell she had selected for Spoony’s demise, Chick’s wand was pulled from her grasp and held under the ball of light Linkara had suddenly summoned.
“Madam Chick… why do you have your wand again?”
“Because I never lost it,” Chick replied in a matter-of-fact tone. “I kept it stored safely in my room until I needed it again. Now, would you mind returning it to me?”
“Not until you answer a few questions for me.”
“Actually, no, I don’t think I will. I’m tired of answering to the likes of you and that damn princess.” Chick muttered a few new words before spreading out her arms and slowly rising into the sky.
Linkara gaped at her. “How did you do that? I thought-”
“That I needed my wand to cast spells?” Chick finished with a smirk. “That’s because I wanted you to think that, Linkara. I wanted everyone to think I was a helpless wretch without my wand so that they wouldn’t dare to suspect me of anything. Not of poisoning enemies of the royal family nor of sabotaging the work of our allies… and definitely not of this.”
Chick’s smile grew twisted as she chanted what had grown to become her favorite spell. Linkara jumped back in alarm when he noticed the small flames flickering beneath his feet before his blood ran cold.
“Purple flames…” he murmured. “You… created them…”
“This mystical fire comes from an old, elvish spell that only the most powerful can cast,” Chick explained. “Even fewer can quell it… though your mother and father certainly put up a valiant fight.”
Linkara’s eyes widened in shock “It was you? You were the one… who caused that fire?”
“But of course. I needed some way to rid the kingdom of everyone’s beloved King and Queen, so I thought elven fire would be perfect. I couldn’t believe when your parents actually started to best the blaze, but fortunately when I set the castle on fire, they were so caught up in their needless desire to find and protect you that my flames were finally able to work their magic, if you’ll pardon the pun.”
Linkara started breathing heavily which only caused Chick to unleash her evil laugh once again.
“Aw, is the young prince going to start sobbing again?”
“What about… in the cave? Did you create those flames in the cave?”
“Of course I did. Mystical fire has never once failed me.”
“But why?!” Linkara cried, his face pale and body shaking. “Why did you need to kill them?! What did Harvey or my mom and dad ever do to you?!”
“They didn’t respect me!” Chick snapped, her mirth melting away to reveal pure bitterness. “I am and always have been the most powerful spell caster in all the world, but I was never given the admiration and honor that title deserves! Your parents had the audacity to make me their second adviser while that blithering sea captain was the first, and that would not stand! So I decided to punish them all for daring to disregard me like that! I vowed that I would prove to everyone that my magic was superior to all and claim Comicronia, and then the world, as my own!”
Spoony, whose boat was still close enough for him to hear Chick’s boasting, let out a disgusted groan. “You twisted fucking psycho! You’ll never rule Comicronia and you’ll never be called the best, because Linkara will always be stronger, smarter, and better than you! And not just in magic but in every other way too”
“How dare you?!” Chick roared, her beautiful features now darkened by rage. Without warning she chanted her spell over and over
again until the boat Spoony was lying in was set slight with purple flames.
Linkara, finally snapped out of his stupor, turned to Spoony’s cries of terror and gasped. “Spoony!”
“Hehehehehehe! I should have done this from the beginning!” Chick cried, a demented laugh passing through her lips. “I’ll simply light the whole damn ship on fire and start from scratch! I never liked the name Swing, Baby anyway and it’s not as if anyone will be able to stop me!”
Chick was about to follow through with her plan when a roar of rage startled her into looking down. She was shocked to see that Linkara was suddenly rising up through the air toward her, his whole body enveloped in a pure white light which shone brightly enough to light up the night sky. “So you’ve learned a few new tricks upon completing your journey. I’m impressed.”
“Madam Chick! Stop those flames now!” Linkara demanded while launching a number of magically created orbs of energy and fire directly at her. Chick casually deflected them and laughed as madly as before.
“You stupid fool! Haven’t you realized even now that you’re incapable of casting offensive spells? I changed the pages in your book so many years ago and you still haven’t caught on to my deceit! That’s what you stupid humans deserve for daring to look down upon me! You will never be able to attack me, foolish prince, so give up while you can!”
To Chick’s frustration Linkara failed to give up, and to her further shock, he suddenly revealed a large silver gun that she was certain she’d never seen him wield before.
“I might not be able to attack you alone, but I’ve made a new friend who would love to help me put a few holes in you!” he cried. Chick screamed as a blindingly hot ball of magical energy slammed into her shoulder and she started to zoom across the sky fearfully.
“Young prince, please stop!” she begged as balls of energy continued to whiz past her, singing her clothing and hair. Linkara refused though and continued to chase after, closing the distance between them until he was able to grab Chick’s shoulder and point the gun directly into her face.
“Stop those flames on Spoony’s boat!”
“I-I will!” Chick insisted, staring down into the barrel of the weapon nervously. “I’ll do whatever you say! Just please, spare my life. I-I know that you are a kind and decent man who could never take the life of another, so please show me some of the mercy that dwells within your heart!”
Even though he wanted nothing more than to see Chick lying lifeless before him, Linkara lowered his weapon.
“Hurry now! I don’t know how long it will be until those flames reach Spoony.”
Without thinking, Linkara turned his head to check on the tiny rowboat, and Chick saw her chance. She lunged at Linkara, slamming her knee into the back of his head, while wrapping her hands around the gun.
“Stupid human brat! This is now mine! And I will-what?!” Chick looked down in horror, watching as her hands started fusing into the metallic barrel of the gun. Before she could comprehend what was happening, the rest of her body was surrounded by an eerie silver light that started to pull her further into the gun. “What is this?! Why am I caught like this?!”
“Unforgivable.” Chick’s blood ran cold when she found herself staring into the translucent eyes of a specter far too young to have had her life stolen away. “You have committed the ultimate sin. You have displaced souls from their mortal bodies with neither justification nor compassion. You have become an unforgivable being and you must be stopped.”
“What?! Is this gun connected to the spirit world?! No, this can’t be happening!” Chick tried desperately to yank her arms free but the force was too strong for any living being to resist and soon her entire body and soul had been pulled into the realm of the spirits. “Noooooo!”
“Oh,” Linkara moaned, feeling a bit groggy from the blow to the back of his head. “What… happened?”
A sudden warm pulse of energy from his gun quickly brought him to his senses. He looked down at the weapon, since human eyes did not allow him to see the young girl floating beside him, and for the first time heard the whispered words of his new partner in his ear. “You know how to stop the flames?” Tears sprung to Linkara’s eyes and he zoomed through the sky as quickly as he could. “Thank you, Margaret! You’re the best partner a guy could have!”
Swiftly they approached the rowboat and Linkara held out his gun, chanting a spell that had never before been spoken by human lips. The flames died instantly leaving only a charred mass of scorched wood floating among the waves.
“Wait, where’s Spoony?” Linkara flew down toward the water and searched among the debris to no avail. Only when he glanced beneath the waves did he see the faint image of Spoony as he sank down lower and lower. “Spoony! I’m coming!”
Linkara held his breath and dove deep into the icy cold waters but the shock of the cold did nothing to hinder him. Thanks to his partner’s protection he was able to swim deeper than any human ever could until at last he had wrapped his arms around Spoony’s body. Then Linkara shot out of the ocean like a rocket and refused to slow down until he had landed safely on the deck of the Swing, Baby.
“You’re safe now, Spoony,” Linkara said as he started to cut the ropes which surrounded his body. “You’re safe, I promise. I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you again.”
Linkara’s heart dropped when he realized that Spoony’s skin was tinged blue and that his eyes were refusing to open. “Spoony? Spoony, wake up?” He pressed a trembling finger to Spoony’s neck but could find no pulse. “No… Spoony no, you can’t do this. You can’t leave me like this… please, Spoony…”
Linkara’s eyes blurred with tears as he cradled Spoony’s body in his arms. “I’m sorry… this is all my fault… I should never have pushed you away… I should have listened to you…” He shuddered and felt as if he were about to collapse, but instead Linkara’s eyes hardened. “I will not let you die for my mistakes. I will use my most powerful healing spell on you, Spoony… we all have only one life and I would gladly give mine for yours.”
Linkara closed his eyes then and summoned as much magical energy as he could. His body was once more enveloped in light, this time of a soft lavender color, which was so warm that it caused all the water which had been drenching their bodies to evaporate. Linkara felt no fear or unease as he lowered his head and pressed his lips to Spoony’s, allowing all the magic within him to flow into Spoony’s body; he only felt peace at finally be able to protect someone he loved.
What Linkara hadn’t remembered was that there were now two souls perfectly capable of casting this spell onboard the ship. Luckily Margaret was not so forgetful and she placed a hand atop each of their heads, pouring a gentle silver energy into their
bodies until both boys were positively brimming with magic.
When Linkara pulled back, he found himself staring into the bewildered face of Spoony. His skin had returned to its normal milky hue and his gorgeous green eyes were filled with life, not to mention confusion, as they locked onto Linkara.
“Um… is this a dream? Because if it is, I don’t think I’m ready to wake up yet.”
Linkara smiled, his eyes watering up from joy. “You’re not dreaming, Spoony, but if you choose to stay awake with me, I promise to make every one of your dreams come true.”
Spoony blushed and rolled his eyes. “Gods, you are such a fucking prince.”
A few weeks later the Swing, Baby was only minutes away from docking in the Royal Port of Britannia. Linkara stood beside Spoony near the bow of the ship, both gazing out at the kingdom before them, their hands entwined and their faces serene.
“I can’t believe we’re almost here,” Spoony said. “It feels like I left a year ago.”
“If that were true, we’d be arriving to another celebration in your honor,” Linkara teased.
“Ugh, don’t remind me of that abomination.”
“So, how are you feeling? Nervous about seeing your parents again?”
“Not really. They’re definitely not angry anymore now that they know about us. In fact, I’m sure they’re probably planning an even bigger fucking party to welcome us. Ugh, that’s going to suck.”
“And yet, you don’t sound too upset.”
Spoony looked to Linkara and smiled, squeezing his hand gently. “I’m not. I haven’t felt upset or pissed off about them, or about anything in a while. It’s kind of strange to go about my day without getting insanely angry or annoyed about something… but it’s also kind of nice.” His cheeks started to redden then. “Honestly the only thing I’m feeling right now is excitement about getting to show you off. Gods, that sounds so fucking lame when I say it out loud.”
Linkara laughed and squeezed his hand in return. “I’m feeling the same way. I hope your family likes me. I really want to make a good impression on them.”
“Trust me, they’ll love you. Just flash those baby blues and show off that fucking adorable smile of yours and everyone will love you as much as I do.”
A moment of silence passed between them and Spoony quickly realized what he’d said. His whole face turned red and his throat went dry, but before he could say anything to try and save face, he was pulled into a kiss by Linkara.
“I love you too.”
“Alright, it’s finally time for some action!”
“Damn it!” Spoony shook his fist at the sky. “Okay, you’ve had your fun, but now it’s time for the happy ending and for you to shut up!”
“Aw, come on, I put up with a lot of shit to get to this part!”
“If you don’t end this story right now, I swear to every fucking god, demon, monster, and spirit in existence that I’ll-”
“Ugh, fine, just shut the fuck up already. Ahem. So the evil villain was defeated, the villain’s paid assistant was arrested in an off-screen moment, and the prince and princess lived happily ever after. The End.”
The crystal ball dulled once more, while Cinema Snob and the customer looked at each other.
“So, what do you think? Are you interested in owning this tale of action, magic, despair, and love? I know that fairy tales aren’t always the most original of stories, but isn’t it nice to sit back once in a while and dive into a world where good always vanquishes evil and love always conquers all? The plots might be a little cliché and the romance a little cheesy, but sometimes it’s reassuring to know that everything is going to be alright and everyone is going to find their own happily ever after. Isn’t that what we’re all searching for?”
Snob paused then and studied the crystal ball as if he’d never actually seen it clearly before. “You know what, no. Actually, this ball is no longer for sale.” He grabbed the crystal orb and tucked it safely under the counter. “Sorry, valued customer, but you’ll have to find another story. Oh, wait! I know the perfect crystal ball for you!”
Snob grabbed a cobweb-covered sphere from a shelf behind the counter and quickly plopped it down in front of the now coughing customer. “This is a tale of a poor farm boy named Critic who traded his family’s prized cow for some magic beans. What a dumbass, right? Well wait until you hear what he does with those beans!”
- Happily Wishing on True Love's Kiss or Something: Part 4